My Expectations from a PhD - Fall 2014

So my first semester is one report away, it's safe now to contemplate for a while. Just breathe ...

It's not as hard as I thought, thanks of course to the great advice of my great advisor and mentor. I took it slow and had the time to explore, get to know people, get to know the city, and get to know myself in this new environment. There is more structure to things now.

I entered the PhD with the goal of shaping the philosophy that will guide my future endeavors. "To observe processes and to construct means is science; to criticize and coordinate ends is philosophy, that's what I had in my statement of purpose. I still believe that to be my goal. However, through this semester I started to look closer to fill some of the missing bits and pieces of that bigger picture.

Talking with people, attending thesis proposals, and just watching people pass by, I am starting to get caught up in the loop of the narrow view that should get me to that bigger picture. And I can't be happier, I am finally doing what I have always wanted to do and having the freedom to guide my work.

I know now that I need to read more, be more confident, be a little calmer, and definitely listen more than I speak. Be challenging but not offensive, professional but not indifferent, and always have time for my family, my friends, and myself. I

I know now that I need to build my own systems, and learn how to analyze other's .. fast. And not get lost in the gigantic volumes of data the world is throwing our way.

I am happy that I am developing as research and more importantly as a human being, thanks to every wonderful spirit that entered my life in the past 4 months.

A thought

It's there .. always .. haunting me ...

That picture ... the good one ... not the perfect one ... and not the real one either .. the one with you smiling and giving me that look ... that look that made me feel alive for the first time in my entire existence ... 

It should have been forever, or at least for a while, but not like that ... how did I miss it .. was it me that got us that far? ... the guilt .. I hate you for that ... no no no !!!! ... NOO !! .. I CAN'T HATE YOU!! .. I just don't love you .. and it hurts ... like tearing my heart out of my chest and telling it that it doesn't belong there anymore ... and sadly, deep inside, my heart knows ... it knows that it should be cast away for now ... probably for good ... for the greater good ... we worked so hard for us, we worked so hard for this ...

My heart leaves ... it abandons us ... it abandons me 

Perspective

Events that gives you a new perspective on life are rare, mind blowing and life changing chances .. either take them and change or just stick to the status quo ..

No pressure ..  now you know .. no need to rush things nor take any hasty decisions .. first you enjoy or mourn over your new acquired piece of information .. and when you are dealing with yourself there is no rights and wrongs .. because what is the worst thing that could happen ? .. it's only you .. you'll just get more of whatever you are already having .. you're not hurting anybody else .. and things can't be that bad .. you have been alive so far, right ?

How can anything go wrong when you are deliberately doing it .. even if bad things end up happening .. can you call that things going wrong ? .. for real ! .. who are you kidding ? .. you did it .. you caused that .. knowing exactly what could happen .. and now it's time to meet the making of your own hands .. it went right .. just right ..

It's funny how we manage to point hands .. find someone or even something "else" to blame .. it can't be me .. it couldn't have been .. no one can do oneself that much pain .. hurt .. agony .. .. and just one night you know .. and the next morning nothing is the same .. or is it ?

The Question

Now I want to write .. it doesn't really matter why I am doing it .. maybe I am just documenting moments that I know I want to remember for the rest of my life .. and maybe I am just inspired .. does it really matter ?

I thought I was done .. done with setting my goals for the phase at hand .. accepting life for what it is and sailing my ship into the well known future of mine towards the undiscovered shores of success that sailors around me are always whispering about .. it wasn't long before I became obsessed by these tales .. and everything else became irrelevant .. and the world went silent as I started my journey ...

... it wasn't until I started facing my new found fear of land that I realized something ..  I realized how lucky one can be to have friends and to be a friend .. to know that you're sharing and helping shape the life of another human being, caring about every detail, hoping for the best ..

and just like that land became the safe haven it should be .. instead of being a reminder that I am not there yet and that I still have not payed my dues it became the stepping stone from which I start my journeys exploring both the unknown and challenging what everyone thought they knew ..

and one question becomes the question ... but it's not mine to answer ! 

Random Thoughts

To my surprise when I meet an acquaintance of mine only a small set of issues or events pop to my head. Of all my life experiences, of all the world events and of all the things I know that this friend knows, only one or two headlines become the constant focus of our talks and in few years we start representing these topics to each other.

Others, on the other hand, represent our whole life, each and every experience, we see each other for the person we really are, flawed, beautiful, sad and fun, the whole deal and no secrets. These are the ones to keep for the whole journey.

The Invisible Guide

Signs ...

They are everywhere ... on the radio ... in the face of a stranger ... in a friend's reflex ... in being late to something you thought important ... or even in a dream ... everything happens for a reason, doesn't it ?

Signs are always there ... always guiding us ... at least for those of us that learn to listen ... listen to the simplest of things and accept them exactly the way they are ...

Signs don't need our interpretations ... it is simply what it is ... they don't obey our wishes ... and they are always pointing to somewhere ... something that would affect us deeply ... a lesson to be learned ... a path that should be taken

Most of the time they are just too subtle for us to notice ... we see them ... that's the whole point ... we see them ... but we don't really see them ... for a while now I have been a good listener ... maybe not a very good follower ... but I can spot a sign when it's there ...

What has been bothering me the past few days is that I can clearly spot a few signs ... things with a huge impact on how things go ... but I can't really understand their point ... you can tell when something is happening for a reason ... a huge reason ... and it's killing me that I can't find out what the reason may be behind what's happening now ...

I can tell that it's going to be interesting watching these events unfold ... I love a good plot ...

114 Days to Get My Shit Together

The past 294 days represented my worst performance throughout the past 8 years and this should end ...

But before I start on the 114 days long journey of getting my shit together I must be true to myself with what I think is going wrong with everything ... also I must know what the 294 days added to me ...

I have no idea what I want ...

On a personal level I have no idea where my life is going ... I know exactly what I want only when it comes to my career, I know how to assess my options against my skills and make a very good choice ... But on a personal level my personal life is a mess ... in a nutshell "it is the way it was 8 years ago and it seems that it will be this way for the next 8 years" ... and that's not even close to what I had planned, by the way everything else is, in a way, the way I planned ...

The problem is, I don't know what I want to be able to do anything about it ... the good thing is, I have the next 114 days to figure that out ... I need to know exactly what I want and how I want it ...

I am losing time ...

I can't meet any of the deadlines I put to myself ... I am wasting time doing absolutely nothing, something I was longing to do just a year ago but now I have gone too far ... I can't find that fire that has been driving me my whole life ... It's not gone yet, I know it's there, but it has not been fed any fuel for a while ...

My strongest asset and my worst weakness has always been that fire because if not the source of what I am doing then I won't do it the way it should be done, and apparently nothing I am doing now has anything to do with that fire.

I need to get back to what I love to do and just do it and enjoy the hell out of doing it ...

I am losing faith ...

I don't know what I believe in anymore ... I don't feel like I belong to any of the sides that suddenly appeared after the 25th of jan ... In a nutshell, I don't know who is who and what is what and where do "Life, the Universe and Everything Else" fit in all of that ... I need to be doing things cuz I want to not cuz I have to and it's really hard to answer "Why I should be wanting to do the things that I have to do ?"

I am on, literally, a life long journey to true enlightenment and the answer to the questions I have been posing for the past 4 years led me to one answer "Having my own Philosophy" and right there I should have what I want to do and what I have to do as one ...

I should settle on some answers to some of the big questions during the next 114 days, it's about time anyway ...

Everything is just tasting a little bit less ...

I have a very bad habit of doing every/only the things I want to do ... this had led me to a very unhealthy life style and it takes the taste of the things that I used to do only when I needed to ... So I need to start doing some of the stuff that I need to do and don't want to do ...

Unfortunately the next 114 days are not the best days to start that but that's the whole point of not doing what I don't want to do, isn't it ?

But I am much stronger now ...


I am not afraid anymore ... I am not that nervous nor that worried anymore ... I am, for the first time, a calm patient person ... I can stand for myself in situations I thought should be avoided (whatever it takes - a blessing or a curse is yet to be decided) ... I am not sure yet if those characteristics are worth wasting 294 days but I am sure I'll know soon enough.

The Plan ...

One thing at a time ... slowly but surely ... and publicly

So why go public ...

I need your help, if you care enough to even skim to this word then you can help ... a word of advice, a word of encouragement or any other act of support ... it would mean a lot to me and would help me know that you are really there for me ... for your friend

Music as I hear it: Eels - All The Beautiful Things

Here is a song that I can't think expresses anything but the loneliness of a single guy in love. I am not sure that I am that guy. But this much I know for sure, that even if I became that guy, I wouldn't do anything but do nothing at all ... maybe listen to this Eels's song a few times and write a blog post about it ...

Enjoy the depressing lyrics ...

Everyday I wake up, wonder why
I'm alone when I know I'm a lovely guy
Birds come down from sky so blue
See all the beautiful things you do
Why can't I just get with you
Every night I carry out my plan
Pray to God that one day I could be your man
Birds come down from sky so blue
See all the beautiful things you do
Why can't I just get with
You'd be my only friend in the world
Well you could just be my girl
And if I do run away from this life
There won't be much for me in the afterlife
Although I know that you don't even care
I'd rather stay in a world where
Birds come down from sky so blue
See all the beautiful things you do
Why can't I just get with you

A Random Thought

"What would history students think of us ??"

Just six months ago I had a very pessimistic answer to that question. I thought that we'd be looked at like those who allowed the Greeks, the Romans, the Turks and the English to rule Egypt without a word loud enough to be remembered. People that history forgets soon enough. But how wrong I have been ...

We are living one of the most interesting periods in Egypt's history. Being part of any sector of the Egyptian society you'll get to notice how everyone is starting to change. Even if they haven't made up their minds yet on what they want to be, everyone is ceasing to be his or her old self looking for his or her part of the much anticipated bright future.

But what I have been noticing also is that we are not given an answer to what should we do next ? The answer to that question for all Egyptians six months ago is to "bring down the regime" but that period is long gone now and "prosecuting the regime's figures" is not something for everyone to do, it something that we want so is ruling.

Yet you find a huge number of parties forming so fast with a lot of overlapping major goals and differences in minor goals. This makes me wonder what they'll be focusing on really after -if- they get elected, the greatest goals or to fight for those minor causes.

Replacing "bringing down the regime" with another national project is what a lot of  politicians, thinkers and even scientists are suggesting now with no REAL project that touches the lives of all Egyptians out there.  Maybe because we're still in a transitional phase but with the parliament election almost here we should be seeing at least some hints. Either way that's not what I think that we need right now.

What I think we need is a "National Source of Inspiration". In other words we need a national source of hope. That's what made the revolution work in the first place. Instead of thinking of our generation as the "internet generation" with blundering thoughts and no real goals, our parents, rulers and the rest of the world saw real heros taking a stand against a tyrant that no one had the heart to really say no to, taking the beating and growing stronger with every martyr they lose. 

That spirit is what made the Egyptians rebel and I think that's exactly what we need in this phase. We need to learn to ask the right questions not ask for the impossible and to expect real actions towards a better government not to expect magic.

Finally, we need a government that can direct and lead the unstoppable need for change in everyone of us towards a better Egyptian community.

Not so random quotes

"Never, never marry, my dear fellow! That's my advice: never marry till you can say to yourself that you have done all you are capable of, and until you have ceased to love the woman of your choice and have seen her plainly as she is, or else you will make a cruel and irrevocable mistake. Marry when you are old and good for nothing- or all that is good and noble in you will be lost. It will all be wasted on trifles. Yes! Yes! Yes! Don't look at me with such surprise. If you marry expecting anything from yourself in the future, you will feel at every step that for you all is ended, all is closed except the drawing room, where you will be ranged side by side with a court lackey and an idiot!... But what's the good?..." Prince Andrew - War and Peace (Leo Tolstoy)

Is It All an ACT ?

I've had so many ideas that I wanted to mention here ... what I do is that I wait for a few hours and if I still have the urge to write a post I do ... well ... I didn't have that urge till today ... and damn it !! it's too personal ...

Today I had one of the most insightful conversations I had in months

Almost everyone that knows me know that I have a "crisis" in my personal life ... Hmm ... it's not that bad ... I just have no idea where it's going ... and you might have already guessed it, I HAVE to know where everything is going with my life ...

What I said casually today revealed a huge part of what I think is my problem and that is "I am insecure" ... maybe you think I am not and maybe you think I totally am ... I hadn't been able to face some of my personal fears because - I think - I lack what it takes to take them down ... maybe I don't have the courage or maybe I don't think I have it so I never tried to find it ...

I consider my professional life an extraordinary one (not so insecure, almost too arrogant) ... I made all the unusual decisions ... I am taking an unusual path exploring my way through it with no doubts nor regrets ...

On the other hand my personal life is a mess ... if I even have one ... although I have no regrets (that a rule) I have my doubts ... I rarely see my friends ... I rarely get to have any real conversations ... and other stuff I deleted because I can't share it ... and finally I am obsessed with one problem that identifies me for the time being ...

"Will I ever have someone to share my life with ???" ... well, my answer is NO and today I got a brand new answer to the question WHY for that NO ... I lack the confidence, maybe the courage or maybe both to have it otherwise ... I always thought I was arrogant, conceited, vain (I am having the GRE General soon) .........

But the words that came out of my mouth today tells me otherwise ... I am totally frightened by "getting rejected for who I am not what I do" ... 

Movies

Movies .. good ones at least have what I call "the drug effect" ... it helps lose my focus on my life and for a brief moment have no recollection of anything that has been on my mind ...

Today I watched two good movies "Dear John" and "Love and Other Drugs" ... The first is by Nicholas Sparks so as always a great romantic story with a twist and unexpected ending, the soundtrack is amazing especially "Paperweight" by Joshua Radin and Schuyler Fisk and "Little House" by the movie's leading actress Amanda  Seyfried ... So here is the quote that I want to share from "Dear John"

The problem with time, I've learned, whether it's those first two weeks I got to spend with you, or the final two months I got to spend with him, eventually time always runs out. I have no idea where you are out there in the world, John. But I understand that I lost the right to know these things long ago. No matter how many years go by, I know one thing to be as true as ever was - I'll see you soon then. 

And as for "Love and Other Drugs" (which I don't recommend for any conservative viewers that might be reading this post) it's a really great story about what we need vs. what we want and what really matters at the end ... Also it has the best "I Love You" scene I have seen in a while ... The quote I want to share is

I'm full of shit, okay? No I'm... I'm *knowingly* full of shit. Because, uh... because uh, uh... I have... I have *never* cared about anybody or anything in my entire life. And the thing is, everybody just kind of accepted that. Like, "That's just Jamie." And then you!... Jesus. *You*. You. You didn't see me that way. I have never known anyone who actually believed that I was enough. Until I met you. And then you made me believe it, too. So, uh... unfortunately... I need you. And you need me.

So that's enough sharing for today on my part ... please share your favorite movies and suggest movies that I should be watching ...

A Letter

I'll always remember your smile ... that beautiful kind face smiling ... your generous spirit ... your open arms ... your wise words ... your kind words ... always there for me though I rarely deserved them ...

I thought that I'll always have you ... I took seeing your beautiful face and hearing your sweet voice for granted .., and now they are just memories ... memories ... and you're gone ... ...

I want you back ... I can't hang on to memories ... memories that squeeze the tears out my heart ... so I let some go and keep some close ...

I am older now ... I understand ... I thought I never would but at least I am alive ... not always living though ...

I wish you all the best anyone can have ... and that I'll be able to see your sweet face and hear your kind words once more ...

Always Yours,
Ahmed

This letter is addressed to all my dear ones that are not with me now :)
Inspired by a dozen faces living on memories

Taking magic out of life

        maybe not :)Life is a miracle ... the fact that you're able to see the words, let alone reading them, is a real miracle ...

What would happen if you didn't have anyone to explain how that works to you  ?? ... you'd probably come up with something ...  if you're not interested in computers your explanation will be much more fun to you than any scientific explanation ... though you already know that's just how you see it and there is probably some other weird scientific explanation of it you'll feel good about ... maybe even content

Even if you are a geek all about science and facts guy, you don't know what's on the other end of a black hole , what causes cancer ??, how even are humans conscious ?? ... these are questions that you'll hear a dozen different explanations for ranging from what could only be viewed as miraculous magic to quantifications and cold hard math ... but you have your own explanation that you have settled on and feel comfortable with ...

So where am I going with this ??? ... some questions are better left unanswered for at least some of us ... leaving science aside ... the way I see it all scientific questions must be answered ... but let's see another type of questions ... the type of question like "do I deserve this ??", "why does she love me ??", "am I dying ??", "does my child remember me and thinks of me as much as I do ??" ...

Do you REALLY want to know ... for all you know the answer could be REALLY disappointing ... an answer you come up with is an answer you'll know how to live with and there'll be always the fact that you doesn't know it for sure ... but if answered .......

That's the type of questions I don't like answered ... what's yours???

No one told me it was gonna be like this

WELL ... college is over ... kind of, I am grad student you know ...

As soon as I finished the last thing that had to do with my undergrad life I had to make one of the biggest decisions I have ever had to make ... academia vs. industry ... I have always known what I wanted and sometimes I even knew what I needed but actually making a decision I know will affect the rest of my life and will be the base of every career decision I'll ever make from this point on was an experience unlike any I have ever lived ... having so many parameters to take in and even more I knew I was missing ... making this decision hit me hard ... and that was the easy one

Now faced by even bigger decisions ... I am not complaining I know it's a part of the growing up process ... but NO ONE TOLD ME it was gonna be like this ... or maybe nothing any one could have said would have prepared me for it ...

Heading for mandatory military service ... a dozen of opportunities gone astray and at least a year of my precious life WASTED ... this experience is giving me a chance to contemplate on what I am going to do next ... something I always thought I knew ...

So the biggest decision shows up ... to marry or not to marry ... ... ... and I can say that by far this decision is the hardest decision I'll ever have to make and it's the most risky, irrational, irresponsible, unnecessary and even idiotic ... of course I am exaggerating ... or am I ??

To whom ... that's irrelevant ... at least till I make up my mind that I am going to get married first ... I mean now ... it's not like I don't want to get married ever ... but this a decision that will shape my life in every single way ... at this point of my life I can see myself driving fast on a mountain side with no breaks nor safety belts, depending only on good judgement with virtually nothing to lose ... even if I ended up falling to mountain's foot I'll be able to put myself together and go up again ...

Marriage is like adding package to this speeding car ... precious, irreplaceable package ... risking everything now is risking only me ... and I'll always have my family to do damage control in case something really bad happens ... but adding this package to the equation ... it doesn't add up

Even if she was a risk loving, supporting and wise package ... she is package that I need to protect and secure ... I have to be the responsible one or at least responsible ... now I am only responsible for myself and that's not such a big responsibility and I know just how far I can go before I crack and how to mend those cracks ... but I am not getting married to get that package cracked or to even risk cracking her ...

OF COURSE there is a whole other issue I didn't mention ... the stupid marriage laws that our community has put ... apartment, car, income, security ...............

I am not following any of these laws ... I have my future to work on not some stupid over priced apartment ... I live to a certain standard and I am not giving it up and of course I have no intention to forcing my package to live a hair below that standard ... how I secure that level has nothing to do with what I can afford now ... I guess that's a discussion to be saved for the package's parents, family and friends ... this's Egypt, everyone has a saying in anything

To wrap things up ... leading one's life alone is a tough road ... a road that our parents have been preparing us for all our life ... but leading a family life is a different thing ... a different story ... the thing that complicates it the most is adding some else with probably different preparation for that road to your life and letting her help you navigate ...

ALL OPINIONS, CRITICISM AND EVEN SUPPORT ARE ENCOURAGED AND WELCOMED

A Story That Should Never Be Forgotten: "Palestine, remembering a past homeland"

Stop by the exhibitions hall, conference center, Bibliotheca Alexandrina to see the Palestine exhibition. If you don't have the time check out the stories told be the pictures below ...

Take the time to read the stories below the pictures ... to know ... to be reminded ... so you'd never forget.

Part of The Story:

Khalil Raad's Talking Images:

We should never forget this story and it should always be told and remembered ...

The more things change the more they stay the same

When I am at this point where I can't take an important decision .. when I can't take that necessary leap of faith, this quote comes to mind



"The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm not sure who the first person was who said that. Probably Shakespeare. Or maybe Sting. But at the moment, it's the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw, my inability to change. I don't think I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still... It feels safer somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected... Who knows what other pain might be out there, waiting for you. Chances are it could be even worse. So you maintain the status quo. Choose the road already traveled and it doesn't seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. You're not a drug addict. You're not killing anyone... Except maybe yourself a little. When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden we're like this different person. I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn't even notice unless they looked at us really close. Which, thank God, they never do. But you notice it. Inside you that change feels like a world of difference. And you hope this is it. This is the person you get to be forever... that you'll never have to change again."

The Best Family in the World

or maybe the worst ... I can't really tell anymore ... I got to witness miraculous events and gain life experiences at such a young age (16 and 17) ... got to know how it should feel to be really in love ... what it means to be a perfect husband ... what it means to be a good wife ... what it means to really care ...

I got to see people grateful in afflictions ... long and painful afflictions ... believing in God ... with their family (my family) supporting them ... always being there for them ...

Real love that could be both felt and seen ... witnessed on deathbeds ... in hospitals hallways ... at weddings ... and at dinner every night ... Unconditional love ... expecting nothing but more pain in return ... the pain of having to take on more responsibility ... accepting that burden without the slightest hesitation ... crying themselves to sleep every night ... only to draw a smile on their family's face ........

Depressing, tell me about it ...
Beautiful, can't think of anything more beautiful ....
Rare .........

I am just beginning my life ... drawing the first steps towards building my own part of that family ... thinking how can I settle for less!! ... and how can I find that rare beauty in such dark times ?! ...

Hoping :)

MeshMesh Theory

Thanks to MeshMesh (my cat) for helping me develop this theory and hereby I name the theory after it.

MeshMesh theory is a theory that describes the impossible recipe of keeping a relationship going ... any kind of relationship between any number of people .. restricting is a dog thing ... this is a cat theory.

For simplicity and without loss of generality will stick with a relationship between just two ...

Back to the theory ... MeshMesh theory bases any relationship on interest ... the two parties sharing this relationship must be interested in each other and in the relationship for their relationship to move on and grow stronger ... if any of them lost his/her/its interest the relationship is doomed.

There are numerous types of interest ... personal interest, financial interest, interest out of obligation or sympathy, etc. ...

MeshMesh theory states that "For the parties to keep each other's interests they have to follow some simple steps:
1. always make the other party feel needed ... no one likes to feel obsolete or useless
2. always take just the amount of interest needed to keep the relationship going ...
3. and always show that you can live without this relationship ..."

This concludes MeshMesh theory.

The proof is this theory is a million pages and is incomprehensible by a single human being or cat ... maybe a human being with a cat ... so don't bother asking for it.

The Good, The Bad and Me

This post is a little personal ...




"Be Good" he said and to be good I tried. No rude back talking, no neglecting how everyone felt, no getting it my way or nothing at all and no blocking others and it felt good. But for the first time for as long as I can remember I chose not to back talk, use smart words or be rude and it hurt me both physically and emotionally. And that got me thinking, is it worth it? is trying to be a good person (make no mistake I am not even close to being good) worth being exposed and getting hurt??

All that got me to rethink what aspiring to be a better person is all about ... well I am not good enough to be talking about what it means to be good but I can mention one thing, my friends. God blessed me with friends that are really good and I can't even come close to describing the role they play in not my life but everyone else around them and never ask for anything in return. Thinking how everyone looks up to them, appreciate them and pray for them always helps and reminds me what this life is all about.

My friends, for giving me hope and something to always look up to, thank you :)