I've had so many ideas that I wanted to mention here ... what I do is that I wait for a few hours and if I still have the urge to write a post I do ... well ... I didn't have that urge till today ... and damn it !! it's too personal ...
Today I had one of the most insightful conversations I had in months
Almost everyone that knows me know that I have a "crisis" in my personal life ... Hmm ... it's not that bad ... I just have no idea where it's going ... and you might have already guessed it, I HAVE to know where everything is going with my life ...
What I said casually today revealed a huge part of what I think is my problem and that is "I am insecure" ... maybe you think I am not and maybe you think I totally am ... I hadn't been able to face some of my personal fears because - I think - I lack what it takes to take them down ... maybe I don't have the courage or maybe I don't think I have it so I never tried to find it ...
I consider my professional life an extraordinary one (not so insecure, almost too arrogant) ... I made all the unusual decisions ... I am taking an unusual path exploring my way through it with no doubts nor regrets ...
On the other hand my personal life is a mess ... if I even have one ... although I have no regrets (that a rule) I have my doubts ... I rarely see my friends ... I rarely get to have any real conversations ... and other stuff I deleted because I can't share it ... and finally I am obsessed with one problem that identifies me for the time being ...
"Will I ever have someone to share my life with ???" ... well, my answer is NO and today I got a brand new answer to the question WHY for that NO ... I lack the confidence, maybe the courage or maybe both to have it otherwise ... I always thought I was arrogant, conceited, vain (I am having the GRE General soon) .........
But the words that came out of my mouth today tells me otherwise ... I am totally frightened by "getting rejected for who I am not what I do" ...
Today I had one of the most insightful conversations I had in months
Almost everyone that knows me know that I have a "crisis" in my personal life ... Hmm ... it's not that bad ... I just have no idea where it's going ... and you might have already guessed it, I HAVE to know where everything is going with my life ...
What I said casually today revealed a huge part of what I think is my problem and that is "I am insecure" ... maybe you think I am not and maybe you think I totally am ... I hadn't been able to face some of my personal fears because - I think - I lack what it takes to take them down ... maybe I don't have the courage or maybe I don't think I have it so I never tried to find it ...
I consider my professional life an extraordinary one (not so insecure, almost too arrogant) ... I made all the unusual decisions ... I am taking an unusual path exploring my way through it with no doubts nor regrets ...
On the other hand my personal life is a mess ... if I even have one ... although I have no regrets (that a rule) I have my doubts ... I rarely see my friends ... I rarely get to have any real conversations ... and other stuff I deleted because I can't share it ... and finally I am obsessed with one problem that identifies me for the time being ...
"Will I ever have someone to share my life with ???" ... well, my answer is NO and today I got a brand new answer to the question WHY for that NO ... I lack the confidence, maybe the courage or maybe both to have it otherwise ... I always thought I was arrogant, conceited, vain (I am having the GRE General soon) .........
But the words that came out of my mouth today tells me otherwise ... I am totally frightened by "getting rejected for who I am not what I do" ...
Did i tell you before that i admire your posts ?? They totally can describe most that i face in my life.
ReplyDeleteIt's one hell of a nightmare that you don't know or figure the next step in your life and what you can do about it.