My Expectations from a PhD - Fall 2014

So my first semester is one report away, it's safe now to contemplate for a while. Just breathe ...

It's not as hard as I thought, thanks of course to the great advice of my great advisor and mentor. I took it slow and had the time to explore, get to know people, get to know the city, and get to know myself in this new environment. There is more structure to things now.

I entered the PhD with the goal of shaping the philosophy that will guide my future endeavors. "To observe processes and to construct means is science; to criticize and coordinate ends is philosophy, that's what I had in my statement of purpose. I still believe that to be my goal. However, through this semester I started to look closer to fill some of the missing bits and pieces of that bigger picture.

Talking with people, attending thesis proposals, and just watching people pass by, I am starting to get caught up in the loop of the narrow view that should get me to that bigger picture. And I can't be happier, I am finally doing what I have always wanted to do and having the freedom to guide my work.

I know now that I need to read more, be more confident, be a little calmer, and definitely listen more than I speak. Be challenging but not offensive, professional but not indifferent, and always have time for my family, my friends, and myself. I

I know now that I need to build my own systems, and learn how to analyze other's .. fast. And not get lost in the gigantic volumes of data the world is throwing our way.

I am happy that I am developing as research and more importantly as a human being, thanks to every wonderful spirit that entered my life in the past 4 months.

A thought

It's there .. always .. haunting me ...

That picture ... the good one ... not the perfect one ... and not the real one either .. the one with you smiling and giving me that look ... that look that made me feel alive for the first time in my entire existence ... 

It should have been forever, or at least for a while, but not like that ... how did I miss it .. was it me that got us that far? ... the guilt .. I hate you for that ... no no no !!!! ... NOO !! .. I CAN'T HATE YOU!! .. I just don't love you .. and it hurts ... like tearing my heart out of my chest and telling it that it doesn't belong there anymore ... and sadly, deep inside, my heart knows ... it knows that it should be cast away for now ... probably for good ... for the greater good ... we worked so hard for us, we worked so hard for this ...

My heart leaves ... it abandons us ... it abandons me 

Perspective

Events that gives you a new perspective on life are rare, mind blowing and life changing chances .. either take them and change or just stick to the status quo ..

No pressure ..  now you know .. no need to rush things nor take any hasty decisions .. first you enjoy or mourn over your new acquired piece of information .. and when you are dealing with yourself there is no rights and wrongs .. because what is the worst thing that could happen ? .. it's only you .. you'll just get more of whatever you are already having .. you're not hurting anybody else .. and things can't be that bad .. you have been alive so far, right ?

How can anything go wrong when you are deliberately doing it .. even if bad things end up happening .. can you call that things going wrong ? .. for real ! .. who are you kidding ? .. you did it .. you caused that .. knowing exactly what could happen .. and now it's time to meet the making of your own hands .. it went right .. just right ..

It's funny how we manage to point hands .. find someone or even something "else" to blame .. it can't be me .. it couldn't have been .. no one can do oneself that much pain .. hurt .. agony .. .. and just one night you know .. and the next morning nothing is the same .. or is it ?

The Question

Now I want to write .. it doesn't really matter why I am doing it .. maybe I am just documenting moments that I know I want to remember for the rest of my life .. and maybe I am just inspired .. does it really matter ?

I thought I was done .. done with setting my goals for the phase at hand .. accepting life for what it is and sailing my ship into the well known future of mine towards the undiscovered shores of success that sailors around me are always whispering about .. it wasn't long before I became obsessed by these tales .. and everything else became irrelevant .. and the world went silent as I started my journey ...

... it wasn't until I started facing my new found fear of land that I realized something ..  I realized how lucky one can be to have friends and to be a friend .. to know that you're sharing and helping shape the life of another human being, caring about every detail, hoping for the best ..

and just like that land became the safe haven it should be .. instead of being a reminder that I am not there yet and that I still have not payed my dues it became the stepping stone from which I start my journeys exploring both the unknown and challenging what everyone thought they knew ..

and one question becomes the question ... but it's not mine to answer ! 

Random Thoughts

To my surprise when I meet an acquaintance of mine only a small set of issues or events pop to my head. Of all my life experiences, of all the world events and of all the things I know that this friend knows, only one or two headlines become the constant focus of our talks and in few years we start representing these topics to each other.

Others, on the other hand, represent our whole life, each and every experience, we see each other for the person we really are, flawed, beautiful, sad and fun, the whole deal and no secrets. These are the ones to keep for the whole journey.

The Invisible Guide

Signs ...

They are everywhere ... on the radio ... in the face of a stranger ... in a friend's reflex ... in being late to something you thought important ... or even in a dream ... everything happens for a reason, doesn't it ?

Signs are always there ... always guiding us ... at least for those of us that learn to listen ... listen to the simplest of things and accept them exactly the way they are ...

Signs don't need our interpretations ... it is simply what it is ... they don't obey our wishes ... and they are always pointing to somewhere ... something that would affect us deeply ... a lesson to be learned ... a path that should be taken

Most of the time they are just too subtle for us to notice ... we see them ... that's the whole point ... we see them ... but we don't really see them ... for a while now I have been a good listener ... maybe not a very good follower ... but I can spot a sign when it's there ...

What has been bothering me the past few days is that I can clearly spot a few signs ... things with a huge impact on how things go ... but I can't really understand their point ... you can tell when something is happening for a reason ... a huge reason ... and it's killing me that I can't find out what the reason may be behind what's happening now ...

I can tell that it's going to be interesting watching these events unfold ... I love a good plot ...

114 Days to Get My Shit Together

The past 294 days represented my worst performance throughout the past 8 years and this should end ...

But before I start on the 114 days long journey of getting my shit together I must be true to myself with what I think is going wrong with everything ... also I must know what the 294 days added to me ...

I have no idea what I want ...

On a personal level I have no idea where my life is going ... I know exactly what I want only when it comes to my career, I know how to assess my options against my skills and make a very good choice ... But on a personal level my personal life is a mess ... in a nutshell "it is the way it was 8 years ago and it seems that it will be this way for the next 8 years" ... and that's not even close to what I had planned, by the way everything else is, in a way, the way I planned ...

The problem is, I don't know what I want to be able to do anything about it ... the good thing is, I have the next 114 days to figure that out ... I need to know exactly what I want and how I want it ...

I am losing time ...

I can't meet any of the deadlines I put to myself ... I am wasting time doing absolutely nothing, something I was longing to do just a year ago but now I have gone too far ... I can't find that fire that has been driving me my whole life ... It's not gone yet, I know it's there, but it has not been fed any fuel for a while ...

My strongest asset and my worst weakness has always been that fire because if not the source of what I am doing then I won't do it the way it should be done, and apparently nothing I am doing now has anything to do with that fire.

I need to get back to what I love to do and just do it and enjoy the hell out of doing it ...

I am losing faith ...

I don't know what I believe in anymore ... I don't feel like I belong to any of the sides that suddenly appeared after the 25th of jan ... In a nutshell, I don't know who is who and what is what and where do "Life, the Universe and Everything Else" fit in all of that ... I need to be doing things cuz I want to not cuz I have to and it's really hard to answer "Why I should be wanting to do the things that I have to do ?"

I am on, literally, a life long journey to true enlightenment and the answer to the questions I have been posing for the past 4 years led me to one answer "Having my own Philosophy" and right there I should have what I want to do and what I have to do as one ...

I should settle on some answers to some of the big questions during the next 114 days, it's about time anyway ...

Everything is just tasting a little bit less ...

I have a very bad habit of doing every/only the things I want to do ... this had led me to a very unhealthy life style and it takes the taste of the things that I used to do only when I needed to ... So I need to start doing some of the stuff that I need to do and don't want to do ...

Unfortunately the next 114 days are not the best days to start that but that's the whole point of not doing what I don't want to do, isn't it ?

But I am much stronger now ...


I am not afraid anymore ... I am not that nervous nor that worried anymore ... I am, for the first time, a calm patient person ... I can stand for myself in situations I thought should be avoided (whatever it takes - a blessing or a curse is yet to be decided) ... I am not sure yet if those characteristics are worth wasting 294 days but I am sure I'll know soon enough.

The Plan ...

One thing at a time ... slowly but surely ... and publicly

So why go public ...

I need your help, if you care enough to even skim to this word then you can help ... a word of advice, a word of encouragement or any other act of support ... it would mean a lot to me and would help me know that you are really there for me ... for your friend