The Invisible Guide

Signs ...

They are everywhere ... on the radio ... in the face of a stranger ... in a friend's reflex ... in being late to something you thought important ... or even in a dream ... everything happens for a reason, doesn't it ?

Signs are always there ... always guiding us ... at least for those of us that learn to listen ... listen to the simplest of things and accept them exactly the way they are ...

Signs don't need our interpretations ... it is simply what it is ... they don't obey our wishes ... and they are always pointing to somewhere ... something that would affect us deeply ... a lesson to be learned ... a path that should be taken

Most of the time they are just too subtle for us to notice ... we see them ... that's the whole point ... we see them ... but we don't really see them ... for a while now I have been a good listener ... maybe not a very good follower ... but I can spot a sign when it's there ...

What has been bothering me the past few days is that I can clearly spot a few signs ... things with a huge impact on how things go ... but I can't really understand their point ... you can tell when something is happening for a reason ... a huge reason ... and it's killing me that I can't find out what the reason may be behind what's happening now ...

I can tell that it's going to be interesting watching these events unfold ... I love a good plot ...

114 Days to Get My Shit Together

The past 294 days represented my worst performance throughout the past 8 years and this should end ...

But before I start on the 114 days long journey of getting my shit together I must be true to myself with what I think is going wrong with everything ... also I must know what the 294 days added to me ...

I have no idea what I want ...

On a personal level I have no idea where my life is going ... I know exactly what I want only when it comes to my career, I know how to assess my options against my skills and make a very good choice ... But on a personal level my personal life is a mess ... in a nutshell "it is the way it was 8 years ago and it seems that it will be this way for the next 8 years" ... and that's not even close to what I had planned, by the way everything else is, in a way, the way I planned ...

The problem is, I don't know what I want to be able to do anything about it ... the good thing is, I have the next 114 days to figure that out ... I need to know exactly what I want and how I want it ...

I am losing time ...

I can't meet any of the deadlines I put to myself ... I am wasting time doing absolutely nothing, something I was longing to do just a year ago but now I have gone too far ... I can't find that fire that has been driving me my whole life ... It's not gone yet, I know it's there, but it has not been fed any fuel for a while ...

My strongest asset and my worst weakness has always been that fire because if not the source of what I am doing then I won't do it the way it should be done, and apparently nothing I am doing now has anything to do with that fire.

I need to get back to what I love to do and just do it and enjoy the hell out of doing it ...

I am losing faith ...

I don't know what I believe in anymore ... I don't feel like I belong to any of the sides that suddenly appeared after the 25th of jan ... In a nutshell, I don't know who is who and what is what and where do "Life, the Universe and Everything Else" fit in all of that ... I need to be doing things cuz I want to not cuz I have to and it's really hard to answer "Why I should be wanting to do the things that I have to do ?"

I am on, literally, a life long journey to true enlightenment and the answer to the questions I have been posing for the past 4 years led me to one answer "Having my own Philosophy" and right there I should have what I want to do and what I have to do as one ...

I should settle on some answers to some of the big questions during the next 114 days, it's about time anyway ...

Everything is just tasting a little bit less ...

I have a very bad habit of doing every/only the things I want to do ... this had led me to a very unhealthy life style and it takes the taste of the things that I used to do only when I needed to ... So I need to start doing some of the stuff that I need to do and don't want to do ...

Unfortunately the next 114 days are not the best days to start that but that's the whole point of not doing what I don't want to do, isn't it ?

But I am much stronger now ...


I am not afraid anymore ... I am not that nervous nor that worried anymore ... I am, for the first time, a calm patient person ... I can stand for myself in situations I thought should be avoided (whatever it takes - a blessing or a curse is yet to be decided) ... I am not sure yet if those characteristics are worth wasting 294 days but I am sure I'll know soon enough.

The Plan ...

One thing at a time ... slowly but surely ... and publicly

So why go public ...

I need your help, if you care enough to even skim to this word then you can help ... a word of advice, a word of encouragement or any other act of support ... it would mean a lot to me and would help me know that you are really there for me ... for your friend

Music as I hear it: Eels - All The Beautiful Things

Here is a song that I can't think expresses anything but the loneliness of a single guy in love. I am not sure that I am that guy. But this much I know for sure, that even if I became that guy, I wouldn't do anything but do nothing at all ... maybe listen to this Eels's song a few times and write a blog post about it ...

Enjoy the depressing lyrics ...

Everyday I wake up, wonder why
I'm alone when I know I'm a lovely guy
Birds come down from sky so blue
See all the beautiful things you do
Why can't I just get with you
Every night I carry out my plan
Pray to God that one day I could be your man
Birds come down from sky so blue
See all the beautiful things you do
Why can't I just get with
You'd be my only friend in the world
Well you could just be my girl
And if I do run away from this life
There won't be much for me in the afterlife
Although I know that you don't even care
I'd rather stay in a world where
Birds come down from sky so blue
See all the beautiful things you do
Why can't I just get with you

A Random Thought

"What would history students think of us ??"

Just six months ago I had a very pessimistic answer to that question. I thought that we'd be looked at like those who allowed the Greeks, the Romans, the Turks and the English to rule Egypt without a word loud enough to be remembered. People that history forgets soon enough. But how wrong I have been ...

We are living one of the most interesting periods in Egypt's history. Being part of any sector of the Egyptian society you'll get to notice how everyone is starting to change. Even if they haven't made up their minds yet on what they want to be, everyone is ceasing to be his or her old self looking for his or her part of the much anticipated bright future.

But what I have been noticing also is that we are not given an answer to what should we do next ? The answer to that question for all Egyptians six months ago is to "bring down the regime" but that period is long gone now and "prosecuting the regime's figures" is not something for everyone to do, it something that we want so is ruling.

Yet you find a huge number of parties forming so fast with a lot of overlapping major goals and differences in minor goals. This makes me wonder what they'll be focusing on really after -if- they get elected, the greatest goals or to fight for those minor causes.

Replacing "bringing down the regime" with another national project is what a lot of  politicians, thinkers and even scientists are suggesting now with no REAL project that touches the lives of all Egyptians out there.  Maybe because we're still in a transitional phase but with the parliament election almost here we should be seeing at least some hints. Either way that's not what I think that we need right now.

What I think we need is a "National Source of Inspiration". In other words we need a national source of hope. That's what made the revolution work in the first place. Instead of thinking of our generation as the "internet generation" with blundering thoughts and no real goals, our parents, rulers and the rest of the world saw real heros taking a stand against a tyrant that no one had the heart to really say no to, taking the beating and growing stronger with every martyr they lose. 

That spirit is what made the Egyptians rebel and I think that's exactly what we need in this phase. We need to learn to ask the right questions not ask for the impossible and to expect real actions towards a better government not to expect magic.

Finally, we need a government that can direct and lead the unstoppable need for change in everyone of us towards a better Egyptian community.

Not so random quotes

"Never, never marry, my dear fellow! That's my advice: never marry till you can say to yourself that you have done all you are capable of, and until you have ceased to love the woman of your choice and have seen her plainly as she is, or else you will make a cruel and irrevocable mistake. Marry when you are old and good for nothing- or all that is good and noble in you will be lost. It will all be wasted on trifles. Yes! Yes! Yes! Don't look at me with such surprise. If you marry expecting anything from yourself in the future, you will feel at every step that for you all is ended, all is closed except the drawing room, where you will be ranged side by side with a court lackey and an idiot!... But what's the good?..." Prince Andrew - War and Peace (Leo Tolstoy)

Is It All an ACT ?

I've had so many ideas that I wanted to mention here ... what I do is that I wait for a few hours and if I still have the urge to write a post I do ... well ... I didn't have that urge till today ... and damn it !! it's too personal ...

Today I had one of the most insightful conversations I had in months

Almost everyone that knows me know that I have a "crisis" in my personal life ... Hmm ... it's not that bad ... I just have no idea where it's going ... and you might have already guessed it, I HAVE to know where everything is going with my life ...

What I said casually today revealed a huge part of what I think is my problem and that is "I am insecure" ... maybe you think I am not and maybe you think I totally am ... I hadn't been able to face some of my personal fears because - I think - I lack what it takes to take them down ... maybe I don't have the courage or maybe I don't think I have it so I never tried to find it ...

I consider my professional life an extraordinary one (not so insecure, almost too arrogant) ... I made all the unusual decisions ... I am taking an unusual path exploring my way through it with no doubts nor regrets ...

On the other hand my personal life is a mess ... if I even have one ... although I have no regrets (that a rule) I have my doubts ... I rarely see my friends ... I rarely get to have any real conversations ... and other stuff I deleted because I can't share it ... and finally I am obsessed with one problem that identifies me for the time being ...

"Will I ever have someone to share my life with ???" ... well, my answer is NO and today I got a brand new answer to the question WHY for that NO ... I lack the confidence, maybe the courage or maybe both to have it otherwise ... I always thought I was arrogant, conceited, vain (I am having the GRE General soon) .........

But the words that came out of my mouth today tells me otherwise ... I am totally frightened by "getting rejected for who I am not what I do" ... 

Movies

Movies .. good ones at least have what I call "the drug effect" ... it helps lose my focus on my life and for a brief moment have no recollection of anything that has been on my mind ...

Today I watched two good movies "Dear John" and "Love and Other Drugs" ... The first is by Nicholas Sparks so as always a great romantic story with a twist and unexpected ending, the soundtrack is amazing especially "Paperweight" by Joshua Radin and Schuyler Fisk and "Little House" by the movie's leading actress Amanda  Seyfried ... So here is the quote that I want to share from "Dear John"

The problem with time, I've learned, whether it's those first two weeks I got to spend with you, or the final two months I got to spend with him, eventually time always runs out. I have no idea where you are out there in the world, John. But I understand that I lost the right to know these things long ago. No matter how many years go by, I know one thing to be as true as ever was - I'll see you soon then. 

And as for "Love and Other Drugs" (which I don't recommend for any conservative viewers that might be reading this post) it's a really great story about what we need vs. what we want and what really matters at the end ... Also it has the best "I Love You" scene I have seen in a while ... The quote I want to share is

I'm full of shit, okay? No I'm... I'm *knowingly* full of shit. Because, uh... because uh, uh... I have... I have *never* cared about anybody or anything in my entire life. And the thing is, everybody just kind of accepted that. Like, "That's just Jamie." And then you!... Jesus. *You*. You. You didn't see me that way. I have never known anyone who actually believed that I was enough. Until I met you. And then you made me believe it, too. So, uh... unfortunately... I need you. And you need me.

So that's enough sharing for today on my part ... please share your favorite movies and suggest movies that I should be watching ...