A Letter

I'll always remember your smile ... that beautiful kind face smiling ... your generous spirit ... your open arms ... your wise words ... your kind words ... always there for me though I rarely deserved them ...

I thought that I'll always have you ... I took seeing your beautiful face and hearing your sweet voice for granted .., and now they are just memories ... memories ... and you're gone ... ...

I want you back ... I can't hang on to memories ... memories that squeeze the tears out my heart ... so I let some go and keep some close ...

I am older now ... I understand ... I thought I never would but at least I am alive ... not always living though ...

I wish you all the best anyone can have ... and that I'll be able to see your sweet face and hear your kind words once more ...

Always Yours,
Ahmed

This letter is addressed to all my dear ones that are not with me now :)
Inspired by a dozen faces living on memories

Taking magic out of life

        maybe not :)Life is a miracle ... the fact that you're able to see the words, let alone reading them, is a real miracle ...

What would happen if you didn't have anyone to explain how that works to you  ?? ... you'd probably come up with something ...  if you're not interested in computers your explanation will be much more fun to you than any scientific explanation ... though you already know that's just how you see it and there is probably some other weird scientific explanation of it you'll feel good about ... maybe even content

Even if you are a geek all about science and facts guy, you don't know what's on the other end of a black hole , what causes cancer ??, how even are humans conscious ?? ... these are questions that you'll hear a dozen different explanations for ranging from what could only be viewed as miraculous magic to quantifications and cold hard math ... but you have your own explanation that you have settled on and feel comfortable with ...

So where am I going with this ??? ... some questions are better left unanswered for at least some of us ... leaving science aside ... the way I see it all scientific questions must be answered ... but let's see another type of questions ... the type of question like "do I deserve this ??", "why does she love me ??", "am I dying ??", "does my child remember me and thinks of me as much as I do ??" ...

Do you REALLY want to know ... for all you know the answer could be REALLY disappointing ... an answer you come up with is an answer you'll know how to live with and there'll be always the fact that you doesn't know it for sure ... but if answered .......

That's the type of questions I don't like answered ... what's yours???

No one told me it was gonna be like this

WELL ... college is over ... kind of, I am grad student you know ...

As soon as I finished the last thing that had to do with my undergrad life I had to make one of the biggest decisions I have ever had to make ... academia vs. industry ... I have always known what I wanted and sometimes I even knew what I needed but actually making a decision I know will affect the rest of my life and will be the base of every career decision I'll ever make from this point on was an experience unlike any I have ever lived ... having so many parameters to take in and even more I knew I was missing ... making this decision hit me hard ... and that was the easy one

Now faced by even bigger decisions ... I am not complaining I know it's a part of the growing up process ... but NO ONE TOLD ME it was gonna be like this ... or maybe nothing any one could have said would have prepared me for it ...

Heading for mandatory military service ... a dozen of opportunities gone astray and at least a year of my precious life WASTED ... this experience is giving me a chance to contemplate on what I am going to do next ... something I always thought I knew ...

So the biggest decision shows up ... to marry or not to marry ... ... ... and I can say that by far this decision is the hardest decision I'll ever have to make and it's the most risky, irrational, irresponsible, unnecessary and even idiotic ... of course I am exaggerating ... or am I ??

To whom ... that's irrelevant ... at least till I make up my mind that I am going to get married first ... I mean now ... it's not like I don't want to get married ever ... but this a decision that will shape my life in every single way ... at this point of my life I can see myself driving fast on a mountain side with no breaks nor safety belts, depending only on good judgement with virtually nothing to lose ... even if I ended up falling to mountain's foot I'll be able to put myself together and go up again ...

Marriage is like adding package to this speeding car ... precious, irreplaceable package ... risking everything now is risking only me ... and I'll always have my family to do damage control in case something really bad happens ... but adding this package to the equation ... it doesn't add up

Even if she was a risk loving, supporting and wise package ... she is package that I need to protect and secure ... I have to be the responsible one or at least responsible ... now I am only responsible for myself and that's not such a big responsibility and I know just how far I can go before I crack and how to mend those cracks ... but I am not getting married to get that package cracked or to even risk cracking her ...

OF COURSE there is a whole other issue I didn't mention ... the stupid marriage laws that our community has put ... apartment, car, income, security ...............

I am not following any of these laws ... I have my future to work on not some stupid over priced apartment ... I live to a certain standard and I am not giving it up and of course I have no intention to forcing my package to live a hair below that standard ... how I secure that level has nothing to do with what I can afford now ... I guess that's a discussion to be saved for the package's parents, family and friends ... this's Egypt, everyone has a saying in anything

To wrap things up ... leading one's life alone is a tough road ... a road that our parents have been preparing us for all our life ... but leading a family life is a different thing ... a different story ... the thing that complicates it the most is adding some else with probably different preparation for that road to your life and letting her help you navigate ...

ALL OPINIONS, CRITICISM AND EVEN SUPPORT ARE ENCOURAGED AND WELCOMED

A Story That Should Never Be Forgotten: "Palestine, remembering a past homeland"

Stop by the exhibitions hall, conference center, Bibliotheca Alexandrina to see the Palestine exhibition. If you don't have the time check out the stories told be the pictures below ...

Take the time to read the stories below the pictures ... to know ... to be reminded ... so you'd never forget.

Part of The Story:

Khalil Raad's Talking Images:

We should never forget this story and it should always be told and remembered ...

The more things change the more they stay the same

When I am at this point where I can't take an important decision .. when I can't take that necessary leap of faith, this quote comes to mind



"The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm not sure who the first person was who said that. Probably Shakespeare. Or maybe Sting. But at the moment, it's the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw, my inability to change. I don't think I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still... It feels safer somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected... Who knows what other pain might be out there, waiting for you. Chances are it could be even worse. So you maintain the status quo. Choose the road already traveled and it doesn't seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. You're not a drug addict. You're not killing anyone... Except maybe yourself a little. When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden we're like this different person. I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn't even notice unless they looked at us really close. Which, thank God, they never do. But you notice it. Inside you that change feels like a world of difference. And you hope this is it. This is the person you get to be forever... that you'll never have to change again."

The Best Family in the World

or maybe the worst ... I can't really tell anymore ... I got to witness miraculous events and gain life experiences at such a young age (16 and 17) ... got to know how it should feel to be really in love ... what it means to be a perfect husband ... what it means to be a good wife ... what it means to really care ...

I got to see people grateful in afflictions ... long and painful afflictions ... believing in God ... with their family (my family) supporting them ... always being there for them ...

Real love that could be both felt and seen ... witnessed on deathbeds ... in hospitals hallways ... at weddings ... and at dinner every night ... Unconditional love ... expecting nothing but more pain in return ... the pain of having to take on more responsibility ... accepting that burden without the slightest hesitation ... crying themselves to sleep every night ... only to draw a smile on their family's face ........

Depressing, tell me about it ...
Beautiful, can't think of anything more beautiful ....
Rare .........

I am just beginning my life ... drawing the first steps towards building my own part of that family ... thinking how can I settle for less!! ... and how can I find that rare beauty in such dark times ?! ...

Hoping :)

MeshMesh Theory

Thanks to MeshMesh (my cat) for helping me develop this theory and hereby I name the theory after it.

MeshMesh theory is a theory that describes the impossible recipe of keeping a relationship going ... any kind of relationship between any number of people .. restricting is a dog thing ... this is a cat theory.

For simplicity and without loss of generality will stick with a relationship between just two ...

Back to the theory ... MeshMesh theory bases any relationship on interest ... the two parties sharing this relationship must be interested in each other and in the relationship for their relationship to move on and grow stronger ... if any of them lost his/her/its interest the relationship is doomed.

There are numerous types of interest ... personal interest, financial interest, interest out of obligation or sympathy, etc. ...

MeshMesh theory states that "For the parties to keep each other's interests they have to follow some simple steps:
1. always make the other party feel needed ... no one likes to feel obsolete or useless
2. always take just the amount of interest needed to keep the relationship going ...
3. and always show that you can live without this relationship ..."

This concludes MeshMesh theory.

The proof is this theory is a million pages and is incomprehensible by a single human being or cat ... maybe a human being with a cat ... so don't bother asking for it.

The Good, The Bad and Me

This post is a little personal ...




"Be Good" he said and to be good I tried. No rude back talking, no neglecting how everyone felt, no getting it my way or nothing at all and no blocking others and it felt good. But for the first time for as long as I can remember I chose not to back talk, use smart words or be rude and it hurt me both physically and emotionally. And that got me thinking, is it worth it? is trying to be a good person (make no mistake I am not even close to being good) worth being exposed and getting hurt??

All that got me to rethink what aspiring to be a better person is all about ... well I am not good enough to be talking about what it means to be good but I can mention one thing, my friends. God blessed me with friends that are really good and I can't even come close to describing the role they play in not my life but everyone else around them and never ask for anything in return. Thinking how everyone looks up to them, appreciate them and pray for them always helps and reminds me what this life is all about.

My friends, for giving me hope and something to always look up to, thank you :)

A post to the one I love .. Whoever she is

I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU ... I hate that I have to think about you all day long even when there are a million other things on my mind ... I hate that I am different person because of you, even if I am getting better .. I hate that you're the only person I want to talk to, like I have no friends ... I hate that I think you are perfect when I know that not such person exists ... I hate that you know how to make me smile even when I am mad at you ...

Assal Eswed: Black comedy viewing how we view Egypt

I have just seen it today and I already know that I'll have to see it at least one more time.

Assal Eswed hits you with a awfully bad start that shows a really naive Egyptian-American returning to Egypt. Then it starts showing a lot of contradiction that could be spotted easily in any Egyptian's daily life that are now taken for granted. Then the movie tries to project the changes we've witnessed in the past 20 years on the emotions of that man who had a certain image of an Egypt facing reality.

It's an emotional roller coaster that lets you experience a lot of feelings that we have for Egypt, Egyptians and ourselves. Supported with a sensational Omar Khairat soundtrack that helps hear what really Egypt sounds like while the movie is showing what Egypt is now like.

I recommend it and try to tolerate the first half an hour or so..

Knowing and not knowing

There are a few things now that I can say that I know ... I really know. When I look back, at the world I had, the people I met and thought, the little things I have achieved and myself .. those stuff that I thought were figured out and all clear ... well let's just say that they are not that clear anymore.

A friend told me that everyone is improving but I am not, by the way, he means in certain areas .. I am not that bad anywayz ..... back to what he was saying; maybe he's right, I stopped trying for a while now .. really trying, to get the hang of stuff, to know a little more about people, things I didn't know, things I thought I knew and things I never knew existed.

This got me thinking, what do you really know ?? ... well do you know yourself ??? Do you know others ???

"He who knows others is wise; He who knows himself is enlightened." Lao-Tzu

So in other words, do you think wise or enlightened ?? and the more important question are you really wise or enlightened???
I know I am not, not yet anywayz .. too young, too naive, too ...........

So how do you know that you're wise ??? is it something like love when you just know .. or it's something like knowledge .. when you know that you'll never know ....
Can wisdom be a target ? is that even wise ??? .. a lot of question with no simple answer.

A little bit of everything

"I like being alone at least I convince myself that I am better off that way, I met someone, she changed me and then she left ... We're better off alone. We suffer alone, we die alone" House.

House is my all time favourite TV series. I am addicted to it, to the character, to the way he thinks, deals with stuff and the way he makes it appear at the end.

Right now I am at an important crossroad in my life. College is almost over and my life is about to begin. Of course everything will have to be put on hold due to mandatory military service but that gives me A LOT of time to think of what's to come; to plan, replan and then plan some more.  And that's hell.

I am losing all my interest in what's going on in college, all I care about is getting out with 3.4+ GPA. I know it ain't that good but ... well nothing I am going to say here will make any difference.

When you know that you have all your life ahead of you, one can think all different kinds of stuff. For me everything pops into my head Career choices, research, industry, academia, abroad, local, life, family, marriage, love, settling, money, money, choices choices choices... I don't mind taking them. I already have my life planned but being given such a long time to rethink that plan over and over and over and over .. well you figure it out. One must start to develop doubts, change it just to have new stuff to look forward to instead of that the same picture.

I can't deny that this time gave me the chance to do stuff that I didn't have planned and learn about things I wouldn't have noticed if I knew that my life was starting right after graduation. It also gave me the chance to get the vacation I didn't get for the past 4 years.


The way I see it, planning is good. It keeps you from getting lost and gives you a kind of heads up on what might be. Also everything you have might be considered a blessing or a curse depending on how you tend to see and use it, so it just up to you to either get things right or mess everything up.

Another Random Thought

"The day they met is a miracle to both of them.I could see it his eyes and feel it in his words when he tells the story for hundred time with the same amazement. I couldn't help but want to hear it again.
He knew right a way she was the one for him ...
Right away she interrupts with a joke making all of us burst into laughter forgetting where we were ...
She loved him with all her heart and that's all it took for him to give her his life...
Their love for one another is present for everyone around them to feel even when they are no longer together... 
You can see her in his every word ... in every movement he makes ... You can see her in him as if they were one..."
Being raised to see and feel that, how can I settle for less ????

Music as I hear it: Rascal Flatts - The Day Before You, Bless The Broken Road

(The following are some random thoughts of mine) You might already know that Rascal Flatts is my favourite bands. The thing I like about there music is that it always means something (At to me it does). The thing I'd like to mention here is Appreciating the Journey.

"Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you"

Bless The Broken Road

"Oh, but Heaven knows those years without you
Were shaping my heart for the that day I found you
If you're the reason for all that I've been through
Then I'm thankful for the day before you"

The Day Before You

The thing I find in those word is appreciation of what one's been through to reach the unexpected result God laid before him/her after an underestimated journey.

Also I get that one shouldn't settle for less. I believe in fairness in this world, you get what you've earned and you lose what you've given up. So if you're plan is not to settle for less then you should be out there giving your best for what you think you deserve.

One last thing, don't forget to appreciate the journey cuz that's what you'll have when you're old, memories, and it's up to you to decide whether you want them good or bad.

Faith, and renewing one's faith

Merriam Webster defines faith to be: "a (1) : belief and trust in and loyalty to God (2): belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion b (1) : firm belief in something for which there is no proof (2) : complete trust" amongst other definitions.
I am sure that there is no need to tell you the importance of having faith in something. People have faith in God, in themselves, in the good in others, in freedom its different forms, and much more things. You use that faith to drive you to doing your best, overcoming difficulties and always moving forward. You always relay on it as the foundation of your life and how you see the world around you. It becomes your ideology, who you are.
As you go through your version of the adventure of living, your faith gets tested by all sort of things. Some events might shake your faith and may even falsify that faith. But, as long as it doesn't break you, you move on.
We use our faith to face what ever the days throw our way. And like any physical tool we use, faith wears out. It wears out by us forgetting the reasons why we believed, why we had faith. And one time you try using that faith, you don't find it there. So, you're trying to help someone, trying to overcome a downturn in your life or even trying to pray, you ask "why am I doing that?" and the answer doesn't seem that important or not even worth it.
The thing is, you took your faith for granted. You didn't let your faith be a part of your recent experiences and the reasons behind your faith became just some worn out words. That what's faith renewal is all about.
Every now and then we all need to remember why we're doing what we're doing, why we believe what we believe. Shout the words out loud, let the world hear them, let the world even criticize them. They can only get stronger after all, if they can stand the blows shot against them.
The reason I am writing this is to remember and tell the world what I am all about, I have faith in God, I have faith in myself, I have faith in the good in my Country, I have faith in everyone's right to have faith in whatever they want to have faith in, I have faith in freedom, I have faith in change, I have faith ...
Please comment and let the world hear what you have faith in, what you're all about.

How I Met You Mother, How I Never Met Your Mother

"The great moments of your life won't necessarily be the things you do. They'll also be the things that happen to you. Now, I'm not saying you can't take action to affect the outcome of your life. You have to take action. And you will! But never forget, that on any day, you could step out the front door, and your whole life could change forever. You see the Universe has a plan kids; and that plan is always in motion. A butterfly flaps its wings, and it starts to rain. It's a scary thought, but it's also kind of wonderful. All these little parts of the machine constantly working... Making sure that you end up exactly where you're supposed to be.. exactly when you're supposed to be there. The right place. At the right time." Ted