But before I start on the 114 days long journey of getting my shit together I must be true to myself with what I think is going wrong with everything ... also I must know what the 294 days added to me ...
I have no idea what I want ...
On a personal level I have no idea where my life is going ... I know exactly what I want only when it comes to my career, I know how to assess my options against my skills and make a very good choice ... But on a personal level my personal life is a mess ... in a nutshell "it is the way it was 8 years ago and it seems that it will be this way for the next 8 years" ... and that's not even close to what I had planned, by the way everything else is, in a way, the way I planned ...
The problem is, I don't know what I want to be able to do anything about it ... the good thing is, I have the next 114 days to figure that out ... I need to know exactly what I want and how I want it ...
I am losing time ...
I can't meet any of the deadlines I put to myself ... I am wasting time doing absolutely nothing, something I was longing to do just a year ago but now I have gone too far ... I can't find that fire that has been driving me my whole life ... It's not gone yet, I know it's there, but it has not been fed any fuel for a while ...
My strongest asset and my worst weakness has always been that fire because if not the source of what I am doing then I won't do it the way it should be done, and apparently nothing I am doing now has anything to do with that fire.
I need to get back to what I love to do and just do it and enjoy the hell out of doing it ...
I am losing faith ...
I don't know what I believe in anymore ... I don't feel like I belong to any of the sides that suddenly appeared after the 25th of jan ... In a nutshell, I don't know who is who and what is what and where do "Life, the Universe and Everything Else" fit in all of that ... I need to be doing things cuz I want to not cuz I have to and it's really hard to answer "Why I should be wanting to do the things that I have to do ?"
I am on, literally, a life long journey to true enlightenment and the answer to the questions I have been posing for the past 4 years led me to one answer "Having my own Philosophy" and right there I should have what I want to do and what I have to do as one ...
I should settle on some answers to some of the big questions during the next 114 days, it's about time anyway ...
Everything is just tasting a little bit less ...
I have a very bad habit of doing every/only the things I want to do ... this had led me to a very unhealthy life style and it takes the taste of the things that I used to do only when I needed to ... So I need to start doing some of the stuff that I need to do and don't want to do ...
Unfortunately the next 114 days are not the best days to start that but that's the whole point of not doing what I don't want to do, isn't it ?
But I am much stronger now ...
I am not afraid anymore ... I am not that nervous nor that worried anymore ... I am, for the first time, a calm patient person ... I can stand for myself in situations I thought should be avoided (whatever it takes - a blessing or a curse is yet to be decided) ... I am not sure yet if those characteristics are worth wasting 294 days but I am sure I'll know soon enough.
The Plan ...
One thing at a time ... slowly but surely ... and publicly
So why go public ...
I need your help, if you care enough to even skim to this word then you can help ... a word of advice, a word of encouragement or any other act of support ... it would mean a lot to me and would help me know that you are really there for me ... for your friend
In these days, I was just thinking about that matter that would require a stop with myself. I was thinking about the same problem + career work problem.
ReplyDeleteI think you have to consult your family specially about the personal part of your life. I really want to help but I can't express how I'm feeling now.